memos to myself

three and a half years of college later, i'm still learning college code.

• never assume your professor won't notice the two bottles of wine poking out of your book-bag. ever. especially during an 8 am class.
• it probably isn't a good idea to switch pen color ten times, often mid-answer, while taking a test. 1) the professor will get a head-ache, and 2) "i have ADHD and changing colors keeps me on track" won't cut it.
• always capitalize on a professor's comment "you look delirious..." as you hand in an exam. turn as pale as you can will yourself to, and hope that he/she remembers your state of mind while grading.
• some people don't find hedgehog "anointing" behavior nearly as funny as you do--it's safe to assume it's never happened to them.
• bringing unwieldy flowers to a professor's chic apartment will only exacerbate the "to hug-or-not-to-hug (or to kiss-or-not-to-kiss should he or she be french) conundrum. stick with a bottle of wine.
• never laugh maniacally when a visitor from the physical plant department begins to scold you for "failing to control your fire." "but i'm fire certified!" is not a viable excuse.
• if a professor assumes you have an anxiety disorder after hearing you give an oral presentation, GO WITH IT! (caution: he/she may divulge his/her own history of anxiety issues and/or ask what medication you're on, if you don't mind him/her asking, of course.) prepare to demonstrate appropriate affect so that you can properly sympathize with your professor, and RESEARCH! RESEARCH! RESEARCH! those medications, generic AND brand-name, so that you can provide a credible answer. while you're at it, you might as well look up those ADHD meds too. (and find out who on campus is selling them). ((just kidding)). perhaps even those meds for restless-leg syndrome would be a good thing to verse yourself in....just imagine! you might never be forced/ expected to sit still again!
  
• don't ever work for or with your advising dean. bad idea. bad, bad idea.
• if you shatter a plate in the dining hall, just run away. even as the applause gets louder. telling yourself that it wasn't you almost helps.
  
• when a professor on sabbatical meets you in the pub and says "you look good!" do NOT hesitate in returning the compliment (?), especially if sabbatical has not treated him/her well.
• never laugh at or report a professor's oral sex joke. because you didn't get it, remember? it never happened.
  
• avoid the paths near the health center--i swear, the nurses spy!

more to come, i'm sure. let's keep learning!